Is there something as caring too much?

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I don’t know how many of you are like me – you see someone that needs caring for and your maternal instinct just. kicks. in. It doesn’t matter who the person is, how close you are to them, or how they treat you – if they need your help you’ll just be there because it defies every being of who you are NOT to take care of them.

Maybe this is not something that everyone relates to – but to those that have the maternal/paternal instinct i know you know what i mean?

Now have you been through that frustration of growing to care so much for a single person who just doesn’t seem to take your care seriously? It’s unnerving and hurtful. It makes you  want to just stop caring, but yet you can’t. Is there something as caring too much? Is there a limit when we need to just stop? Or should we just go on.

Logically, in a such cost-benefit-analysis world where we would only want to do something for our own selfish reason why should we even care at all? ESPECIALLY if the person you are caring for doesn’t seem to appreciate your care. If it’s painful, why do we need to suffer right? Well yes some people might say that.

BUT, I am a sole believer of showing all the love I have for someone (in whatever form it is) no matter what. Sometimes, this world is too selfish, too self-centered, too independent, too proud, to show their emotions to show how human we are. At the very centre of humanity is community-living. We are made to help each other.

Think about it. What exactly are our lives defined by? We are defined by the relationships we build with other people. We don’t technically exist (well ok except maybe by official records) without the definition of a relationship. By us knowing another person, other people know of our existence. We all live in an interconnected network of interactions. So why are we trying to cut ourselves off from others? Why are we trying to fight for what we want alone when we can do it with other people? Why do we shut off the love other people give?

I personally don’t feel it is necessary to be alone. The more love and affection you show to other people (be it friends, family, lover) the more you strengthen that bond and relationship.

It may seem naive to suggest that you should continue to care for someone that doesn’t seem to care but what if they just can’t show it? What if your care is the only thing motivating them to fight on? After all, we don’t know the extent to our own actions of caring. All we know is the care that we give. I personally think – don’t underestimate it. It can mean a lot.

Fight through the pain and the hurt of rejection, abandonment and lack of love from the person when they are not appreciative. Even if they don’t appreciate it, it gives an example to other people. This way, it might inspire others to do the same – to spread the love and care to others when they might not initially have the courage to do so.

So my conclusion would be that “No – there is no such thing as caring too much”. Remember what Mother Theresa said “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” Spread the love in this world that needs more love to all. Never be afraid to show how much you care because love has never been a weakness only a strength – if not for yourself, then for others.

“Some people’s weakness is that they care too much; `it is also their strength.” – Brigitte Nicole

Follow your heart. Find your passion ❤️

Should you remain friends?

“Being friends with your ex shows you two are mature enough to get over the fact that you weren’t meant to be together” 

Most people’s answer here is: NO.

If you don’t follow what I’m talking about, i’m talking about whether you should remain friends with your exes or that guy/ girl you had a crush on but rejected you. I understand why you shouldn’t. People always say “well they are your ex for a reason” or “it just would be better – a cleaner break”. But I have never found this answer convincing. I think the reason for this is that I have always ended up dating my best friend (bad habit but oh well there are perks too).

I always believe that a friendship doesn’t need to be ruined just because you try to date them and it doesn’t work out. If it started as a strong, solid friendship, why would you have to give it up just because it did not work romantically? Who knows if your relationships became stronger because of it instead?

There are positives and negatives of remaining friends after your break-up. I know this cos  I dated and broke up with my best friend and we are still best friends. Please take this situationally because of course it depends on how close you were before, how you broke up, etc. Luckily for me I was really really close with my best friend and we broke up on really good terms.

The negatives:

1. It is so difficult to move on.
I suppose because you still text or call or just remain in contact with that person constantly it is so much more difficult to move on. You have to act as if a few years of your life was not invested in being romantically involved with that person. You have to deal with falling out of love while still constantly being reminded how great they are because you still talk to them often. This can lead to taking years and years to get over the person.

2. You have to deal with them talking to you about their newest crush/ girlfriend/ boyfriend
You might think you are so over them and don’t want to be with them which might be true but it still hurts when they talk about their newest interest or love. Especially if they ask for you advice on how to get closer to their newest crush or how to resolve a conflict. Oh and the worse thing they can possibly say: “Oh I’ve found this new girl and she reminds me so much of you” (oh wow thanks for telling me I’m so replaceable).

3.Can’t we work it out? That constant question of whether you can work it out. I mean you work well together as friends, why can’t you work your differences out? This question will continuously be tugging at the back of your mind. But whatever happens, your ex is your ex for a reason and you have to just set it aside no matter how tempting this thought is. Just don’t go there.

But the plus side:

1. You’re still able to talk to them about anything and everything
If you remain best friends there is absolutely no filter that goes through what you say to them. You can literally talk to them about anything in the world even intimate details about other people or yourself because well they’ve heard it before either as your best friend or your previous boyfriend/ girlfriend.

2. There is no judgement/expectations if you hang out together (even if it’s just the 2 of you)
I guess if they already have a new girlfriend/boyfriend you have to be lucky enough that they dont mind (which luckily I am). But you’re still able to be go out together and catch a movie or have a besties-date having fun and with limited boundaries without being scared that it might end up being awkward/ that one of you will have feelings again because that’s over and it didn’t work in the past. So now you can just enjoy the friendship 🙂

3. You can still hang out with his/ her closest friends
There is no loss in friendship with his/ her friends because you are still friends. You can even still hang out as a group without it being weird. You can still have fun with their friends and your friends won’t tease the 2 of you either because they know that you are just friends. It would feel as if nothing has changed.

4. Reminiscing “those old times”
Just last week my ex sent me a picture of a bookmark I gave him a while back asking “was this from you? I was cleaning up my room 😂” and “wow those good old times when we were dating. That was so long ago!”. Which is a conversation I have with him once in a while. We know that we are so over each other and so we can always look back to those memories with little pain and just smile about it – that it happened 🙂 I mean, every relationship comes with its own lessons. Value the lessons you had with your ex as something precious and a part of you.

5. Most importantly – you dont lose your friend. Enough said about that. Friendship is precious especially if you were such close friends before.

Well I have given what I think the + and – of still remaining friends with your ex, reflecting my own experience. And I would say I never regret the choice.

Of course the main thing here is that both of you need to be mature about it. Rebuilding a friendship from a broken relationship doesn’t take overnight. There are moments where you know you have to give the other some space and let them think about it. But the most important thing is not to give up on it, not be awkward and be mature about it. Rebuild the dynamic that you had before you started going out.

And if you were never really close to begin with… that might be a little difficult because you have no comparison to fall back to. But still hope for the best and don’t give up if the person matters to you! 🙂

Find your passion. Follow your heart.

Do Long Distance Relationships actually work?

 “When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far, no time too long and no other love can break them apart.”

With globalisation and all that stuff, its not uncommon for us nowadays to move around in our lives. This means, obviously, coming into contact with leaving the people we love. But how about the people we fall in love with? Are long distance relationships really possible? Or is it just some fantasy?

Long distance relationship (noun) : “a romantic relationship between two people who live far apart and so are unable to meet on a frequent basis.”

Or in my own definition, well actually the definition above is pretty much what I believe is the true definition. So it’s either 2 different cities, or countries, or even continents. Not two different houses. Or two different ends of the city. Please.

When I ask most of my friends that have been through a long distance relationship, whether they would go through another one, most of them said “NO!” straightaway. Which isn’t a big surprise honestly. It takes a lot of work. And constant heartache of missing that person for it to work out. It’s painful. I have personally had my fair share of a long distance relationship that actually went smoothly (luckily) but it still didn’t work out. But I would say I still believe in it. If it’s meant to happen, it will kind of happen right?

I personally believe that long distance relationships can happen so long as the two of them have:

1. A good foundation of friendship before that.

And I really mean friendship. Not being close to each other in order to get the guy/ girl (or courting?). And solid friendship that goes by to years. Not just a “oh I kind of know that person but I’ve never talked to him/her but she’s attractive but I’ll just stay silent for a good few years”. A good example of this would be being best friends with the person since you were in primary school or kindergarten.

You will literally be miles and miles apart. If you don’t have a good friendship to begin with, how will you maintain a conversation with that person and keep an interesting relationship? I mean at least if you were really close friends before, you’ll have things in common (things you like, experiences, etc) that you can always talk about and ask them. PLUS, if you were friends way before that you are so much more comfortable talking to them about anything which is so crucial in a long distance relationship when you barely have the time to talk to each other.

Are you comfortable talking to them about your insecurities that you’re facing? The annoyed feeling you have for the other because they didn’t reply at all or something? The fear you have for your future together? These problems can be a big thing for even normal couples. But become an even greater thing for long distance relationship couples because of the time difference, different setting issue, and all that.

So I suggest making sure you are properly good friends with this person before you want to risk a long distance relationship. If not it usually ends pretty quickly unfortunately.

A good foundation supports a strong and sturdy house after all right?

2. Trust (obviously) and loyalty

“The scariest thing about distance is you don’t know if they’ll miss you or forget about you” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

This is so much of a given since you’ll be living in probably different countries or continents, hours and hours away, not being able to see each other at all for at least a year except through a video call.

You’ll have no idea what the other is doing. You don’t know who your girlfriend/boyfriend is actually going out with. So you’ll have to trust that they are staying faithful to you even when you’re not there. And it takes both side to work out. So don’t you be the one that go out and abuse that trust of your partner either.

It might start out as something innocent like asking a certain someone out for dinner, but when your significant other is on the other side of the world it can get lonely. Don’t fall into the temptation of cheating just because you think no one is looking. You’re betraying your partner’s trust.

3. Having the same end goal

I think you can see having a long distance relationship as someone going on separate journeys but having the same goal in mind. And I think THIS is crucial. I mean all of these are obviously crucial. But if you don’t have this then ultimately all your effort is for nothing. Believe me, I’ve been there. It’s painful.

So before you go on a long distance relationship please make sure to talk it out with your boyfriend/girlfriend whether they want the same thing in the end. Do they want to live in the same country as you? Do they want to settle down somewhere you want? Do they see you two having a future together? What happens if you are of different religions? Is this going to be a problem? (If not, GREAT! if yes, again talk about it)

Don’t delay this conversation because it’s going to make letting go even harder. If you continue to just indulge in this relationship, I mean it can go very smooth sailing (trust me) you’ll have a perfect relationship except you’re working towards nothing because ultimately there is no end goal. And the harsh reality is that you’re just wasting each other’s time. It’s better to give yourself and the other the opportunity to meet a different person who can be your/their future.

If you do have the same goal in mind, then that’s great! Please continue 🙂

4. Communication and Listen

This is a big one. Communication. I mean I think this is a big one for ALL relationships. But in a long distance relationship its even more crucial because small things can turn to big things especially when you’re already emotional from missing the other person and all that.

So it would be advisable to communicate to each other frequently, tell them how your day was (ask them how their day went), tell them your fears (ask them their fears), tell them what made you happy today (ask them what made them happy that day). Tell them anything and everything about you and ask them anything and everything about your partner. This can surprisingly make you feel closer even when you’re living probably miles apart!

Oh and don’t forget that listening is a part of communication. As you can see from the list of things I suggested to talk about I also put in what you can ask. Please don’t be that person that is “all about me”. It gets annoying. So be willing to ask about your partner and if they don’t spontaneously share, then ask! Everyone loves for someone to listen to them. You just need to make the time and effort to do so.

5. Make time for each other.

“Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful; it’s for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.”

I believe in one thing: There is NO such thing as having no time, you have to MAKE TIME.

If you believe the person is important enough I know you’ll make time for them. I have no idea how anyone can disagree with that. I personally would sacrifice sleep and me-time for someone that I love, wouldn’t you?

Take the time to reply the other’s text, or call (video call would be better).

When you’re home or in the same place, meet up – spend some time together, go on a date. Because when else can you do it? The next time he/she visits in 4 more years?

6. Truth and Honesty

Another thing that I believe is actually needed in every single relationship. But more so in a long distance one. You are living so far apart that being honest with each other is crucial.

When you are irritated of the thing the other is doing, say it. When you’re scared what the other thinks, ask them ask them anyway. When you’re feeling insecure about something, mention it. This way you maintain a transparent relationship with each other and this fosters the trust you need to know the other will remain faithful to you.

7. Don’t give up on each other

Ultimately, it can get a bit rough. There will fights and heartache and crying. But if you’re fighting for it it will be all worth it. Be willing to compromise one way or another. Remember the other party has feelings and needs to and be willing to listen to each other.

So don’t give up on each other. Work hard and fight for it. Struggle and brace through it.

“What comes easy, won’t last, what lasts won’t come easy.”

 

Long distance relationships are not the most pleasant way to have a relationship. But believe it or not, if you survive through it, your relationship will survive through almost anything. Because doesn’t distance make the heart grow fonder?

Follow your heart. Find your passion.